Milton Jang

Everything I Wish I Told You

One

You ask me, “how are you?”
And I say, “I’m fine.” 
NO. 
I’m. 
NOT
“Fine.”
I lied. Sorry.
To answer your question,
which by the way
I hate with a fiery passion, 
I’m horrible. 
Miserable. 
In pain.
Fragile as glass.
I could break under the pressure
of my own existence.
As tragic as it may sound,
I want to die.

Two

When I suffer, I won’t tell you. 
I know you care. I know you want to know.
Because I thought,
maybe
it’s best if I let you be,
and maybe
you don’t care at all
about my problems
and how much I hurt,
but maybe
I’m
totally
wrong.

Three

I often wonder what the world
would be like without me. 
If I made a difference,
If I even mattered.
Most importantly,
if I touched
your
heart.

Four

I feel so whole yet so empty, 
so complete yet so broken inside, 
so connected yet so alone,
and I don’t know why…
Why
why
why?

Five

I love food,
but sometimes,
food just tastes like
gray paint and nothingness.
Michelin star restaurant,
Gordan Ramsey pasta,
or even my favorite
macaroni and cheese
(mixed with ketchup),
I couldn’t care less.
No offense.

Six

I wish I were a ghost
so I could cry in peace.
Vanish from the world
and all its gloom n’ doom.
No more locking myself in closets, 
no more trips to the middle of park fields,
no more burning alive in showers.
All things I do to escape. this. world.
Like a tortoise, I curl up 
in my secret hideaway,
not wanting to explain
why I’m sad,
so just
let
me
be.

Seven

I don’t even understand myself. 
How can anyone understand me?
Can’t you see how lost I am?
Wandering around aimlessly,
in a meadow of flowers,
collecting acorns,
like a child.
Please.
Go away.
No, wait.
Come back.
I didn’t mean it.
Just hold my hand,
and look into my eyes.
You’re my only, and all I need.

Eight

I am sad, 
depressed,
and lonely.
Thank you.
For being here
with me when I 
needed you the most.
Because of you,
I smile and laugh.
Superficiality sucks.
Rawness rocks.
Suffer with me and
let pain be our tea.
Let’s heal together, 
relate to one another.
Let’s be friends,
until the end.

Nine

I like you.
I really like you.
I really like like you.
I love you.
I really love you.
As a person,
romantically,
as a friend,
I honestly can’t tell.

Ten

I am scared to tell you all this, and
there are 100,000 other things 
I wouldn’t, couldn’t, and 
(probably) shouldn’t tell you. 
But I will.
From now
to forever,
to infinity
and beyond.